Tuesday, May 16, 2006

So, I watched some of "Troy" last night and


Yeah, it pretty much sucks sweaty goat balls...but, like in a good way. Brad Pitt, who, let's face it, hasn't been good in anything since Kalifornia ("Put yer' titty back up Aay-delle!"...AWESOME) is like a walking, talking, man-sized dildo. You know the kind? The creepy "life-like" dildos with like veins and shit? Well, imagine if one of those were like 5'9 and talked like it had another, smaller type dildo stuck in the back of it's throat.... aaaaand that's pretty much Brad's performance as the tragicomic, Achilles.
Then we have Orlando Bloom dressed as Aladin and sporting, I'm pretty certain, the exact same fake chest used by Ricardo Montalban in the Wrath of Kahn. Anyway, he plays Paris whose brother is Hector, "tamer of horses" (I don't want to know how he got that title) and his father is Peter O'Toole who looks like a member of Earth, Wind and Fire.
So, yeah basically a bunch of shit goes down after Aladin, er, I mean Paris diddles Helen of Troy (played by some sort of German Long Necked Mongoose) and literally, I wouldn't shit you about this....he gives her a pearl necklace.
Anyway, so she decides that Aladin can totally "show her the world" so she leaves her husband played by Brendan Gleason, who I'm sure should have found something better to do...and thus some ships are launched, yadda yadda yadda.
Lars and I only made it about 45 minutes in when we decided that staring at the irregularities in our popcorn ceiling might be a better use of our time.
Our original plan was to watch both Troy and Alexander, back to back "on demand"...but, there really aren't enough pain-killers in the world.

1 comment:

Jimi said...

Troy: I saw that piece of fuck in the theater. It seriously sucked ass. I'm sure I must have laughed at the pearl necklace, but I can't remember.