Monday, November 21, 2005

The new style....Harry Potter and the Crotch Gobbler on Fire

In an effort to force myself out of this winter depression, I have changed the look of this blog once again. I apologize for the overt Springy/ ice creamy tones. I realize that pink and green pastels can make it harder to digest words like "fuck" and "motherfuckers" and "cocksuckers."
However, don't let the new design fool you, I'm just as foul mouthed and malcontented as ever. (*Seeing the new Harry Potter movie aside, of course).
Winter has been totally thrust upon us here in the Great Salt Lake valley. I'm trying to defy it by wearing my converse, but the frostbite on my big toe is telling me that it's not worth it.
Now, let me get to what you've all been wondering about... Harry Potter.
The theatre was, much to my and Lars' dismay, filled...fucking absolutely brimming with small children. We thought we were lucky and safe when we scored seats in the exact center of the theatre, in front of an elderly couple. What we couldn't have known at the time was that those motherfuckers were saving most of the entire row behind us for their demon spawned grand-children. When the demon spawn arrived, all hell broke loose. The two tiniest devils (around 4 or 5 years old) were seated directly behind me and Lars. They bounced in their chairs, squealed, picked their noses, kicked our chairs, dumped popcorn all over us and proceeded to walk back and forth, grabbing the backs of our chairs every time they passed....and the movie was still 45 minutes away. Tawnya, wisely sensing that her best friend and best friend's husband were about to commit murder against two small children and their grandparents, suggested that we move before the movie began. As sad as it was to leave our "perfect" seats, we relented. So, we nestled ourselves a few rows up on the far left side. There were some kids in front of us, who seemed behaved enough and there were little angel boys sitting next to Lars who were so well behaved I wondered if they weren't drugged. Behind us was another family with a very tiny, little girl seated directly behind me, who during the scene where the merpeople have stolen Hermione, Ron, Cho and that other ho's little sister kept asking her mom, "Are they dead?" "Are they dead?" "Are they dead?" over and over and over and over. (I really have to wonder about parents. This girl couldn't have been more than 3 or 4 and this movie, yes, it's a "kid's" movie, but it was rated PG-13 and there's a fucking blood sacrifice for christ's sake).
Anyway, I really enjoyed the movie itself. Yes, there were 10 billion things left out from the book, but quite honestly, the fucking house elf plot can go fuck itself anyway. There! I've said it.
I laughed. I cried. All of the typical movie-going cliches.
My Harry Potter movie/ book ratings are as follows:

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone - Book: 7 / Film: 6
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Penis - Book: 7/ Film: 7
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of AssCramLand - Book: 10/ Film: 7 1/2
Harry Potter and the Crotch Gobbler on Fire - Book: 8/ Film: 8


Anonymous said...

i must say my girlfirend's 4 year old demon spawn was quite amused by the blood sacrifices and "mer-topuses". what was odd, i thought, was if its a childrens movie, while all the overt sexual inuendo? poor Harry was almost molested by a ghost in the bath tub, what gives? well this was me and chirstina's two cents on the movie. all and all, for someone who didn't give a crap about harry potter and his new movie, it was a pretty sweet movie, i guess, especially the dragon part.

your brother and christina

Tracy said...

Hahahahaha.... Yes, the dragon scene was sweet....and if you think that sexual inuendo was the last movie Harry can't stop playing with his wand...and no, I'm not making that up.
Your demon spawn are okay, cos we're like family and shit. I think I'd actually like to borrow your demon spawn to annoy those grandparents, since I intend of stalking them now.

I love you both.

karin! said...

I am saddened, beyond any prior saddening that has ever been... Because I have not yet seen Harry Potter. It is on my long, long, long, painfully, long list of things that I will do that are fun over the semester break.
Your descriptions of the Demon spawn was utterly enjoyable (and re-enforces my general non-missing of Utah, with the exceptions of you awesome folks).
Being in a college town, where the average age is about 27, we are sorely lacking in demon spawn children. Instead, we have idot sorority bitches who talk on their cell phones and walk out into the street as if their distraction and sense of entitlement will magically make my 1000 lb. vehicle go from 40mph to a dead stop in less than 5 feet. Ah, well, at least I'm old and can think that they're adorable and mostly harmless, since many of them are almost 10 years younger than me (ugh!). I may teach some of those bitches in my classes next year and then... I will know the reality of demon spawn.
I'm way off from the original intent of the story... I'm sad I didn't see 'Arry Potter yet. I'm glad you loved it. I love thinking about you loving things and smiling and eating popcorn at the movies and smiling at Lars and taking pictures of your dogs and cats and watching Veronica Mars.

ErLeCa said...

Luckily I went to a showing were there were relatively few demon spawn. Overall, I liked the movie, they obviously couldn't put everything that was in the book into the movie. I didn't even remember the house elf plot. Shows how important that was...