Wednesday, May 16, 2007

NOT being pregnant

I haven't had my period in over 4 months. I knew it was stupid to hope that might mean something other than the usual - something other than being broken - but, I did. Secretly, I had been walking around for weeks imagining that I might be knocked up. I've been feeling "off." I've been dizzy, clumsy, hormonally crazy, forgetful, name it and over the last couple of weeks, I've felt it.
So, today while waiting for my second bus, I slipped into Walgreens and without any fanfare got a home pregnancy test. I waited several weeks to take this step, because I feared the reality of the outcome. I've enjoyed entertaining thoughts of babies and motherhood. I've enjoyed imagining what a wonderful father Lars will be. I even enjoyed thinking about the complicated financial and job scenarios having a baby would introduce. Anyway - taking a test would crush the whole thing and I knew it. I knew it would, but I had to take it, just to know, just to be sure and also to kind of force myself out of the fantasy before I got REALLY upset about a negative outcome.
I took the test. Waited two minutes, with the little digital display blinking at me. NOT PREGNANT. What a mocking, fucking cruel way to put it. Thanks a fuckin' bunch. I realize now that I will never buy this kind of test again. I could have handled a blue line or a minus sign, but spelled out like that - the thing might as well have read, FUCK YOU.... (blink...blink) Asshole!
Yeah, so I've been in a funky mood ever since. I almost snapped out of it over at Melissa's watching Top Model, but when I got home I immediately started cleaning everything, so I knew I hadn't even reached the worst of it yet.
I've gotten teary a few times, but I'm trying not to cry. I don't know why other than I want to stay positive. I want to put that positive energy into the universe and have it throw a healthy, nerdy-cool baby back at me. Someday, in the near-ish future...and also a car. I think the universe at least owes me a cute, little hatchback for way less than low-book price... oh and a better job. I think that's the least it can do after saddling me with a fucked up, stupid body that can't even make babies right. I want restitution.


Melissa said...

I'm sorry and I love you.
Maybe we can take it out on your ceiling tonight.

Jimi said...

Did you want to be pregnant?

Anonymous said...

I love you too. Good things are totally on the way, though. I feel it.