Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Do you ever feel like you're losing your edge?

It's the first day of March, 2006. It's been 11 years since I moved to Salt Lake City with Tawnya, driving our rust-bucket, crappy cars from Idaho. We were 20. I asked her the other day if she remembered what it felt like that day, driving on the highway, in the early summer with the windows down. It was that perfect, calm, energizing feeling that you only get when you're off to something new. But, I wonder sometimes if it might be more than that. Is it only a feeling you're allowed to have in your youth?
I've done a million new things in the past 11 years, but I haven't felt that feeling since. My life is good...much better than it was back then, but with that better life came responsibilities, maturity and a profound sense of D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F. (Do I look like I give a fuck?) I mean, really. When I was young I cared about everything. I viewed everything through my liberal/feminist lense and was profoundly moved by every political and social injustice. I still feel the same, but maturity has taught me to compartmentalize those feelings. I still cry, but I can make some fucked up joke about that just being the way shit is and move on now. Even my daily annoyances have become so annoying, it's actually annoying to be annoyed by them. That's just "how it is." When certain people in authority continue to say the same stupid shit they always say, I just have to shrug it off, "well, yeah...he's a dumb fucking dildo, what do I expect?...Anyway, guess I'll shuffle some papers now and worry about my mortgage payment." When assholes in the state legislature don't give their state employees more than a fucking 2.5% raise (less than half the rate of inflation, when we're already 4% behind) in a year of a billion dollar surplus, I just have swallow it and hope that it's better next year. Is this what life is really like? Is this what adulthood is like?
Cos, I really have to say, Boo! and possibly even Hisssss!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I agree with all this except for the last bit. I'm feeling energized and I wanna give those legislators a piece o' my mind. You're totally with me. I know it!

- Tawnya