Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Bring me a banana congac!


I realize that I'm totally self-wedding-absorbed. I know it and I'm totally disgusting even to myself, but it's in 30 days. I'm going to be married in 30 days.
Our rings arrived today (see picture) and I can't stop crying. All day long I've been a blubbering pussy. I was reading wedding stories on Indiebride and I completely lost it. I had to go to the bathroom. Then I read an article about Lance Bangs and Corin Tucker's wedding in Iceland and I cried like a bitch. Then I watched music videos and Volvo commercials that Lance made (see his website) and I bawled.

Really, if I didn't already know better I would ask myself obnoxiously, "are you on the rag?"

Outside of the crazy emotional bullshit that comes with planning something this huge and confusing, I'm really, honestly not that stressed out. The possibility that I might get a huge zit or get sick is stressing me out. Money is stressing me out (both my families and my own). People are stressing me out, but not so much the event. You'd actually be amazed at how many people use your wedding against you...how many people pick your wedding to take their dramatic grand stand against you for some nebulous and unknown reason. Friends that I've had for years returning "WILL NOT" reply cards with not so much as a "take it easy" written on the card.
Do they really expect me to dig? To hunt them down and beg to know why they don't want to put their petty shit aside for five seconds and come to my wedding or at least come up with a lie as to why they can't? Are my feelings hurt? Totally but,I'm trying to just be like, "Oh yeah, well you're dead to me then" and move on because anyone who would use something so joyous in my life as a catalyst to make me feel bad is an asshole.

I want to scream how in love I am, how lucky I am. I want to walk around, accosting people on the street and say, "Hey, yeah...ya see this guy?... he's cute huh?...funny too... smarter than you or anyone you know? Yeah...well, he's with me." And as the bitches from the Shining would say, "Forever and ever and ever and ever."

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

i am so happy you and lars are gettin' hitched and are in love. yay!

- tawnya

Bad Hippie said...

Hey, Tracy...where did you get those rings? They are gorgeous...simple, and gorgeous! I'm getting married next spring, and would love to find something similar to those for me and the future man-to-be. :)

Anonymous said...

Tracy,
I got married once. About 4 years ago. And everything fell as completely appart as it could possibly do. I was weeping and screaming just hours before hand as we watched our wedding cake melt in the 96 degree Key West heat. The icing slid gracelessly off of the body of the cake... The night before all of this, or perhaps the night before that, we had been stopped and searched by the police because a member of my wedding party had tried to buy drugs on the street and the cops found out about it and they followed our car and stopped us and searched the entire car and frisked me and such. So... Then, my mother showed up and threw an absolute hissy fit about what a complete bitch I was and made herself the center of attention and sat in hateful judgement and vengence over me while I tried to coordinate and muster some happiness amid all of the stress of this time....
But then, we finally arrived at the ceremony.
It was sunset and we were on the westernmost edge of the Keys, on a beach, with the sun setting in the ocean behind us. The water was teal and shining beautifully, the breeze was gently fluttering the fronds of the palm trees and the accomanying shushhing, whirring that palm trees make in gentle breezes became my soundtrack. The ceremony began and I looked at Jimi and he looked at me and we were suddenly alone. All of the people who didn't come fell away. My mother's hateful glances fell away. The memory of having been searched by the cops fell away and I was absolutely in a state of bliss. I just looked at him and saw that I did take him, flaws, good times, bad times, hard times, poverty and everything. It was just us and we were where we were supposed to be. It was the singular moment of complete focus and clarity in my life. I loved this man, what's more, I liked him and I was happy.....
Then more stupid shit happened after the wedding and people were obnoxious and took their turns at trying to cut me down on my day of bliss. But, I got that moment, the greatest moment of my life with them all there in the background, feeling whatever petty, bullshit ways they felt, and they could never take that moment away from me.
After the wedding, some of the people who I had really wanted to come didn't matter so much to me anymore and some people I hadn't been very close with really surprised me. It changed everything about my life.
You're going to have a beautiful day. You're going to have such unbelievable joy in your life. You're going to look and feel your most beautiful. You are going to see Lars and he is going to see you and you two will be in a place that no one else can go and their petty bullshit cannot corrupt. They will all attend the wedding but only you two will know what the day truly means. Besides, I know that you will have some of the other great loves of your life, there to stand up with you and to make sure that you feel your most loved and beautiful. The love and friendship that you and Lars share is overwhelming to observe. It will fill the hearts of the people that you least expected with joy. It fills me with joy, just thinking about your happiness.
love
-karin