Dear blog,

This week has been ever so long and I have been shamefully neglectful of you. Me so sorry. First, let me say that I've been dreadfully boring and pissy for most of the week and therefore would not have been very good company anyway, right? I mean, am I right? I think I'm right about this.
So much has happened since we've been apart. Walter and Stanley have been tapped to star in the next Mission Impossible picture, so long as they stop making all of those anti-Scientology comments to all their doggie friends, Lars is really loving his new job at the White House, though he has confirmed it truly is a lot of "hard work," and me, I'm just enjoying the nice spring breeze, drinking a margarita and typing to you on my powerbook. Life is beautiful.
Oh right...I forgot the best part, in an effort to silence me from criticizing Tom Cruise's insistence in forcing Katie Holmes to change her name to "KATE," he's offered to pay off the remaining balance on our mortgage and have the whole house and yard renovated....and, oh yes! our newish neighbors, how should I put this?...disposed of. So, rest assured Tom, I won't even wince the next time you harp out the word, "Kate," repeatedly...nor will I roll my eyes at the thought of your pressuring your baby-mama to change her first name to make it sound more grown-up, so you can stop feeling like a cradle robbing, hobbit. And you can bet on the day that you have pretty little Kate's legs surgically altered to remove that 4 and a half inches she uses to tower over your puny ass.... my lips will be sealed.