The Ka-nitting Factory

THE KA-NITTING FACTORY HAS MOVED

2007-08-16T00:20:00.000-06:00

If your browser doesn't redirect you to the new site - GO HERE.

One love.

Okay...and now some more Kristin Hersh

2007-08-14T01:43:00.000-06:00

I look so much like my mother

2007-08-14T01:22:00.000-06:00

Can't sleep. Lars is in Vernal on a river trip with a couple of his clients. It's funny how you forget how to sleep on your own - how does the weight of a lover's body next to us become such an addiction? More than that. A few years ago I read an interesting book about the physical/ chemical/ physiological aspects of love. It's main thesis: that our bodies actually become biochemically connected - just spending time together, touching.

I have no idea if that's true, but I still can't fall asleep.

I think the Throwing Muses said it better than I could.

The most profound post ever written

2007-08-08T12:37:00.000-06:00

I've been painting my nails a lot lately. Last month I got a manicure and I've been obsessively lacquering ever since. I bought some really cheap polish - the kind that 12-year old girls buy at the drugstore with their bubblegum money. The colors are bright and garish enough to call attention - something I don't normally relish.

The bright, aqua blue elicited enthusiasm from the check-out girl at the Emigration Market. The shimmering purple caused an elderly woman in a wheelchair to grab my left hand and hold it for about 3 minutes while telling me all about her daughter who now lives in New Jersey.

Painted nails make me want to point things out to people. Both literal things and figurative. "Have you ever noticed this sign before? Aren't the colors lovely? Isn't the font nice?"

I'll point with my short, purple-painted nail on my stubby, outstretched finger and we'll all look up together.

Add a Ka-nitting Factory!! button to your blog or MySpace

2007-08-08T11:23:00.000-06:00

"in space, Bret....in space."

2007-08-07T22:55:00.000-06:00

Flight of the Conchords rules my shit right now. You should be their MySpace friend and buy their new EP "The Distant Future" on iTunes.

、Oliver Twist 性交しなさい!!!!!!

2007-08-07T19:14:00.000-06:00

Japanese to English translation = "Have Sexual Intercourse, Oliver Twist!!!" or in other words, Fuuuuuck you!

My friend Melissa is still in Japan and while I'm seething with envy, I want her to come home. Is that selfish? Yargh.

The Oliver Twist whom this post is directed at is someone I sort of loosely work with...more work around. Anyway, as per usual I cannot get into too many details. Let's just say, it is a bitch and it must die.

I finally fixed the masthead. It's not the glorious (I almost typed "glory hole" - I really have to leave work now) banner I promised, but it's cute enough for now and it makes me laugh...and I made it happen. I designed some web. What is it they say about bringing your work home?

Web developing is going well. Maybe even too well. I'm so happy- I'm scaring myself. I LOVE, LOVE my boss. She's an amazing woman who makes me laugh and is inspiring and caring and - I could go on, but it would be gross. She actually said to me, "Tracy, when are you going to have a baby? I just love babies" while we were at a co-workers baby shower. Uhh... When is the last time a boss begged their employee to get knocked-up and take a bunch of time off work? It really sums up how wonderful she is - and I have to say, soothed any fears I may have had about getting P.G. while in the honeymoon stage of a new job (should that happen).

"A whole new world....a whole new place to - " Oh, sorry- Aladdin attack.

Dear Masthead,

2007-08-06T17:24:00.000-06:00

You are currently pretty fugly, but, I had to design something quickly to test the code. I promise I will make you prettier sometime this week and make a real, actual, beautiful logo that all your friends will be jealous of.

It will be the Peaches & Cream Barbie of mastheads.

So there.

Lovies,

Mom

P.S.

Mommy's tired.

Is it weird that I saw Ace Frehley from Kiss??

2007-08-02T15:41:00.000-06:00

Click on the image to see it a little better.

Flight of the Conchords

2007-08-01T22:38:00.000-06:00

Okay, I'm only slightly obsessed.

Mirah Mirah on the wall

2007-08-01T22:04:00.000-06:00

I made you a Mirah mix, because I love you.

*** Sorry, I'm a tease. The link should work now.

Rosie O'Donnell kinda scares the shit out of me

2007-08-01T10:52:00.000-06:00

Really...and you though my blog was crazy.

At least I don't write poems about Paula Abdul and celebrity stylists.

So many Myspace Surveys, so little time

2007-07-31T09:33:00.000-06:00

1. Who was the last person you slept in a bed with?
Lars

2. Where was the last place you went out to eat?
this crazy diner called Smitty's in Idaho Falls

3. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed?
some really, really, really crappy wine I bought in a Rexburg grocery store just because I could

4. How many significant others have you cheated on?
none

5. What is more essential - a pretty face or a great body?
um, shallow much? and also - I'm not a dude, dude....so when you say "pretty face" it makes me think of Orlando Bloom who makes me want to yack.

6. What is the value of all the jewelry on you?
do you want to rob me, now is that it?

7. Medicine, fine arts, or law?
Bon Jovi, happy trees, Law & Order

8. When was the last time you got a good workout?
ummm...

9. Best kind of pizza?
Veggie Delite from Papa Murphy's

10. If you need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go first?
I don't wear jeans, biiitch

11. Where did your last hug take place?
in my bedroom

12. What were you doing at 11:59 PM on Saturday night?
watching Hellraiser: Hellworld in a hotel in Rexburg

13. Are you a quitter?
not really, no.... are YOU a quitter?

14. Who was the last person you had in your room?
dogs and cats

15. Is your bedroom window open?
you really are trying to rob me - fucking, no.

16. Can you speak another language?
English, motherfucker - do you speak it?

17. How about put your legs behind your head?
uhhh

18. What is in store for your future?
I'm going to eat breakfast for lunch with some friends

19. Who was the last band you saw live?
this is really sad, cos it's been a while and I honestly don't remember

20. When was the last time you went dancing while under the influence?
1993

21. Do you take care of your friends while they're sick?
If they needed me, I would

22. What is your favorite soda?
iced tea

23. How many songs are on your iTunes?
3111

24. When was the last time you received something over $500?
like someone gave me some worth more than that?? I have no idea...probably my wedding two years ago

25. Have you been through driver's ed yet?
no, but I'm turning 15 next week....so look out.

26. What will you be next school year?
too old to answer these kinds of questions

27. Who is your favorite person to have a serious conversation with?
Sirius Black.

30. Are you experienced?
like in a Jimi Hendrix kind of way?

31. Any historical figures that you envy?
Divine

32. Describe what you're wearing in detail?

why? Okay, whatever.

33. What brand of digital camera do you own?
Olympus

34. What do you think about people who party a lot?
I don't think about them. I'm too busy getting a good night's sleep like a granny

35. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
Not really, no. Unless you're my dirty, old boss who liked to talk about Crisco and butt plugs and shit...I guess, there's a limit.

36. What makes a perfect evening?
good movie or tv, good food, cuddling etc...

37. Who was the last person to sleep over at your house?
uhhh... I think my brother-in-law slept over like a year ago

38. iPod?
I would die without it, so if you're still thinking of stealing shit from me, just remember that I'd rather kick your balls into to hamburger than let you have it.

39. How often do you tan, if you do at all?
my driving arm is pretty tan

40. What was the last CD you purchased?
The Very Best of Hall & Oates

41. Have you ever been offered a job?
Yep

42. What are two bands/singers that you will always love?
Hall and Oates - duh and Prince

43. Have you ever stolen anything off of a road?
I stole some money that flew out of a guy's car...but, only because when I stopped to help him pick it all up, he was the HUGEST asshole

45. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Tawnya

46. What of the seven deadly sins are you guilty of?
I've probably been guilty of all of them at some point

47. Do you do homework in coffee shops?
No, because I don't have homework because I'm what they call a grown-up. Sort of.

The more I see Bill Paxton's ass - the more I kinda of love it

2007-07-30T23:20:00.000-06:00

When I first started watching Big Love, I had no idea what to expect - At first I was prudishly put off by all the husband-sharing and gratuitous polygamist bang-bang... but, most of all - I was off put by how many times the camera found its way to Bill Paxton's naked butt.

Bill has always been quite special to me, in an older brother kind of way. He was Chet in Weird Science - he was the semi-retarded "Yeah man, let Bishop go" guy in Aliens. I've refused, until now - dear reader to ever feel sexual feelings for him. It must be true what Tipper Gore says about repetitive violent imagery in the media - only, I'm not so much desensitized as converted.

Okay, HBO? Do you hear that? You've converted me to the sex cult of Bill Paxton's backside. I hope you're happy now.

Myspace survey 2007 "so far"

2007-07-25T15:57:00.000-06:00

First 7 months of 2007:

1. Have you had your birthday yet?
Nope

2. Are you with the same person as you were at the beginning of 2007?
Yes

3. Are you still in the same job?
Same place/ Different job (Woo (fucking) hoo!)

4. Is your favorite color the same color?
Eh, it's always changing. Right now I'm really loving the aqua/red combo....and purple

5. Have you got the same style/color hair?
basically

6. Have you bought a new car this year?
I bought a car that is new to me.

7. How many girlfriends/boyfriends have you had this year?
like 20

8. Have you been involved with the police this year?
What do you mean by involved?? I had one pull me over and then not listen to me AT ALL...and then say "that's a long name" after looking at my driver's license

9. All time drinking place for 2007?
the titty bar - definitely the titty bar

10. Is your best friend(s) at the start of 2007 still your best friend?
Yes, though if Tawnya doesn't stop trying to give my brownies away - we're going to have a problem.

11. Got any tattoos or piercings this year?
not yet this year, no. I really want a new tattoo though.

12. Had a hair cut?
I just got one - how ya' like them apples?

13. Been in hospital this year?
I took Tawnya to the hospital when she dislocated her shoulder - again.

14. Lost someone you cared about this year?
to say who would reveal too much about the plot of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

15. Been on a vacation this year?
nope

16. Been in love this year?
totally

17. Fallen out of love this year?
nope

18. Been kicked out of a pub this year?
I've been kicked out of like 10 pubs.

19. Completed any studies this year?
I'm going to start some studies

20. Read a book this year?
no- just magazines and liner notes

21. Worst thing to happen this year?
actually, I can't think of anything really bad. CHeck me out.

22. Best thing to happen this year?
NEW. JOB.

23. How many times have you gotten drunk?
eh

24. Have you fallen for someone this year?
I fall for Lars like 10 times a week

25. Has this year been a good one so far?
Sure.

Netflix

2007-07-25T15:50:00.000-06:00

I just spent half an hour adding things to my Netflix queue and rating movies and I realized something. I think I give away that 5 star rating way too easily.

I know the secret of the Deathly Hallows and I'm not telling.

2007-07-22T01:16:00.000-06:00

Today, I read Harry Potter and the Death Hallows from beginning to end. I started around 1 am, fell asleep at three, woke up - read. Took a shower - read - and by 7:30 p.m. I knew the fate of You-know-who, countless Death Eaters, Muggles, centaurs, goblins, snakes, werewolves, Ministry of Magic whosie-whatsits, owls, house-elves, Harry Potter and all his little friends.

Not that I'm going to tell you lot.

When I finally ventured out into the universe (otherwise known as the grocery store) I felt a lot like I did after finally having sexy-time for the first time. Like I knew something both wonderful and ordinary - something that was completely mine, but totally familiar to everyone else. In that way - in the way that connects us all to both the magical and the ordinary - the Harry Potter books are a lot like getting it on.

Or something. I'm out of it, what do you expect, I've been reading all day.

New Job - day two

2007-07-17T23:21:00.000-06:00

So, after the second full day of working my new job I can honestly say - holy shit! Do they really expect me to work like this all the time? I would suspect their answer is, yes, those motherflippers. Those wonderful, glorious motherflippers.

Interestingly - I don't mind. I worked my chubby buttocks off all day, without ONCE checking my MySpace. I didn't read "my blogs," watch YouTube or shop for cute dildos shaped like dolphins. NOT ONCE. I mean, not to blow my cover, but what you just read above describes about 2/3rds of my adult working life...and now it's over. And - I'm not sad. (I mean there's always time for dildos at home, right?)

The work is really collaborative and interesting (most of it anyway) and I spent the better part of my day rearranging a "mock up" of the library's future homepage. A fucking mock-up. I got paid to make something totally fake that I will just have to re-code again...and I liked it.

I will say that it's lonely. Everyone is really nice - but, so far there's no one I really connect with. I realize of course that my previous office mates (and friends) were a fluke. I know that finding hilarious, brilliant, bosom friends (ha! bosom) who make you laugh yourself sick and never stop surprising or inspiring you is rare, but I never understood just how rare until now. I really, really miss having good friends around to make my day easier and sometimes even special.

I don't anticipate any friend-love in my current sitch, but they're nice enough co-workers and that's not so bad, right? Right.

Yargh. Check out picks of my new office and my tits here.

I know it's wrong to care.....but, I really, really do.

2007-07-10T14:06:00.000-06:00

THE MuthaTruckin' Hills Returns August 13.

"Cos, ya' know...you mean so much to me." Awesome.

And don't I know it?

2007-07-10T10:35:00.000-06:00

Sicko - Your American Life Exclusive Clip!

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Dear You (You Know who you are),

2007-07-10T00:13:00.000-06:00

Do you remember the time you told me - ah, fuck it, what's the point?

Dear readers,

In honor of my new (old) car and my new (new) job - yes, I got a new job- (one that won't make me sick) - I am creating a double-disc, musical mix that will blow your friggin' mind. Do you want one? If so, leave me a comment or send an email with your preferred mailing address.

America's Boyfriend Keith Olbermann and His latest Special Comment- Smackdown

2007-07-04T02:22:00.000-06:00

When polygamy is legal - Keith, me and Lars are going to be a family.

I feel SickO to my stomach

2007-07-02T16:14:00.000-06:00

Lars and I saw Sicko over the weekend - for our date night no less. To be fair, it was totally my idea. We were both really wanting to see the new Die Hard movie as well, but we had our voting dollars to consider. Do we give opening weekend box office $$ to Michael Moore or Bruce Willis? I seriously love Bruce's work and you can be sure I will be watching the shit out of Live Free or Die Hard sometime this week, but I couldn't justify it until I'd made a point of seeing Sicko.

The movie is by far Moore's most bleak. I was in full-on tears within the first 5 minutes...and while I know he's a provocateur, Moore mostly lets the horror and success stories speak for themselves.

When are we all moving to France?

Help Me Bring the Buffy Musical Sing-a-long to Salt Lake

2007-06-29T11:09:00.001-06:00

Write an email to both the Salt Lake Film Society and the Buffy musical folks.

As an adult, I love some TV shows like people

2007-06-28T00:21:00.000-06:00

Buffy, of course.

X-Files

Homicide: Life on the Streets

Angel

Next Generation, bitches

The Beloved and Departed Veronica Mars

Battlestar

Freaks and Geeks

My So Called Life

The Office (UK)

My love of Degrassi the next generation, probably seems kind of pervy, but it's not

The Doctor

And when I was a teenager....

2007-06-28T00:18:00.000-06:00

This and only this.

Why TV used to be fuckin' sweet (Some of my favorite childhood tv shows & their themes)

2007-06-27T23:54:00.000-06:00

Whoa! Cover-Up!

Degrassi Jr. High

Simon & Simon are still hot.

Magnum is the shit.

I was pretty sure I just dreamed this Gold Monkey show, but I didn't. My love for Stephen Collins was true.

The Fall Guy

Silver Spoons

Wonder Woman

Groovy Spidey

Bionic Man

Original BSG

Buck Rogers

A-TEam

I really wish I had watched Manimal, now that I see the opening credits

Is it just me?

2007-06-26T10:57:00.001-06:00

The Holy Covenant of Hotness

2007-06-26T10:39:00.000-06:00

GoFugYourself made me laugh out loud today - so I thought I would share.

Who loves you? My mommy taught me to share

2007-06-26T00:11:00.000-06:00

Dear December.

Help me name my car

2007-06-25T17:04:00.000-06:00

1. Grape Ape
2. The Bruiser
3. uh... __________________________ write ins welcome!!

The winner will receive a special mix cd from me.

PSY WGN

2007-06-22T13:31:00.000-06:00

It's been six years since I've owned a car. The freedom is freaking me out just a bit. I'm pretty certain Lars will enjoy not having to fairy me around to buy make-up and tampons... but, I'll kind of miss having to come up with logical reasons as to why I "NEED" to go to Nordstrom..."TODAY."

Things considered when buying this car:
1. Cost
2. Gas mileage
3. Cuteness
4. Safety
5. Low miles
6. Reliability
7. Environmental impact
8. How much Ikea shit can I fit in it?

I made you a Magnetic Fields Mix because I love you

2007-06-21T23:26:00.000-06:00

Magnetic Songs

Another Myspace Survey

2007-06-20T15:05:00.000-06:00

1. What is your Dad's name?
Mack-daddy

2. What body part do you hate?
the parts that make allergies happen

3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had?
Gross

4. Have you ever made out in a movie theater?
Let me think...no. I thought about making out in a movie theatre, but I was too busy having sex.

5. What body part do you wash first?
pits, tits...then ass.

6. Do you have any piercings?
ears

7. Do you have any tattoos?
Yes. Do you plan on identifying my body?

8. Is your driveway steep?
What is this driveway you speak of?

9. What's your favorite flavored Pringles?
cheddar

10. Have you ever been tied up?
I don't really see how that's any of your business

11 Whats the weirdest thing you've been grounded for?
Shaving my eyebrows off. I got grounded from Mtv and Cyndi Lauper

13. Have you ever had two dates in one night?
I wouldn't really call them "dates," but I did smooch on two guys in one day. What? I was young.

14. How many times have you been cursed at?
double dumb ass on you, survey

15. Which shoe do you put on first?
right

16. How old are you?
32

17. Have you ever been to a gay bar?
yep

18. Have you ever had any Friends with Benefits?
I've had a few friends who've grabbed at my teets, yeah.

19. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common?
their love of hookers, blow and ample boobies.

20. Did you French kiss before you were 16?
Actually, no. I didn't.

21. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting?
not on your life, Hitlah.

22. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall
asleep?
right now it's Veronica Mars. I'm still in denial. I couldn't even watch the rerun episode last night without pouting.

23. have you ever had a song written about you?
my husband wrote a song about me and I think I've had a few poems written about me too. I'm a muse like Olivia Newton John in Xanadu.

24. If you had to choose to not ever wash your bed sheets again or not wash your bath towel ever again, which would you do?
I'd choose to blow my brains out. This Sophie's choice is too gross to think about.

25. Have you ever found anything in your parents' bedroom that was questionable?
Besides all the coke and mary-j?

26. What was your childhood nickname?
Fred

27. When is the last time you played the air guitar?
actually it was about an hour ago and the summer work picnic

28. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room?
Have you ever seen Kinky Kong?

29. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving?
Besides coke and mary-j?

30. Have you ever bitten your toenails?
gross

31. How do you normally eat your Oreo cookies?
I'm not allowed to eat those

33. Name something you do when you're alone that you wouldn't do in front of others???
sit ups

36. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk?
depends

37. Why are you doing this survey?
because Angie did it and yes, if she jumped off of a bridge I probably would too. I'm trying to distract myself from gnawing job uncertainty.

38. Do you scrunch or fold the toilet paper?
I do what I gotta do, man. I don't think about it. - Word

42. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
There's a joke to be made here.

45. Have you ever called your love interest by another girl/guys name?
I don't think so, no.

46. Have you ever gotten caught sleeping while on a date?
you say "caught sleeping" like it's a bad thing.

47. Have you ever played naked twister?
oh, god no.

48. Have you ever been drunk at work/school?
Actually. When I worked at Sam Weller's and there was free wine. Yes.

49. Have you ever found your date's brother or sister to be hotter then your date?
fucking gross.

50. How many Bryce's do you know?
I have a zero Bryce policy

51. What makes you laugh?
your face

I can't talk about it.

2007-06-18T16:07:00.001-06:00

Car Shopping is hard

2007-06-18T14:59:00.000-06:00

Seriously. I don't have enough time to tell the whole "car salesman" story right now, but UGH. I'm sure the experience would be different if we had tons of money to burn, but we don't so it makes it much more scary and daunting.

In other news, my face is peeling like I've got a sunburn, I can't breathe out of my left nostril and my eyes feel like they were dipped in itching powder and glass.

Thanks allergies.

Beth Ditto couldn't be cooler

2007-06-12T17:47:00.000-06:00

The first time I saw the Gossip, they were opening for Sleater-Kinney in Denver in 2000. They were mind blowing, inspiring and I shouldn't have to say that seeing a chubby girl up on stage *killing it* totally changed my life.

Beth has a hell of a voice and more presence than any other modern front-person I can think of.

I don't know how I missed this cover of NME last month, but I did and now I'm mad that I didn't have a chance to buy it.

Whatever your tastes, preferences or feelings about us fatty girls - you have to admit it's frigging cool to see a real woman being proud of her jiggly bits on the cover of an international rock magazine.

*and if you don't, then you're probably a dick.

Myspace Survey

2007-06-12T16:18:00.001-06:00

1. Spell your first name backwards:
ycart

2. Story behind your myspace display name?
werz born with it

3. What month were you born in?
Not August, not yet October

4. Where do you live?
on a street, in a house

DESCRIBE YOUR:

6. Toothbrush:
orange

7. Jewelry worn daily:
engagement ring and weddin' band

8. Pillow cover right now?
cowgirls

9. Underwear:
red

10. Best Friend:
(s) Best Friendzzz

12. Favorite t- shirt:
I have finally grown up and moved on from t-shirts. That just blew my mind. I still like my Gatorland t-shirt though

13. Cologne/Perfume:
Body Shop's "Satsuma" lotion

14. CD in stereo:
Kraftwerk on the turntable at home, Uhhhh... I live in the future with this thing called an iPod now, so I rarely have CDs sitting in my stereo

15. Piercings:
ears

WHAT ARE YOU:

16. Wearing now:
black top, aqua & brown skirt, black mary-janes and one of my new bras that fits like angels sewed it just for me.

17. Wishing for:
dinner from Mazza and someone to finish fixing our house

18. Wanting:
a car

20. Something you are deathly afraid of?
Keira Knightley <<<----- Angie's answer made me laugh so much that I'm just going to say, word.

21. Do you like candles?
sure

22. Do you like the taste of blood:
I like the taste of braaaaiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnssssssssssssss

23. Do you believe in love?
sure

25. Do you believe in God?
sure

26. What's something you wish you could understand better?
why Charmed is still on the air

FASHION STUFF:

31. Where is your favorite place to shop?
Ikea and online

32. What is your favorite thing to wear?
a sour expression

33. What is a must have accessory?
a brain

34. How much is the most you've ever spent on a single clothing item?
my wedding frock cost about 400 smackers

35. Who is the least fashionable person/people you know?
Me 10 years ago

36. Do you match your belt with your hair color?
Do people really do this?

37. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
like 6

38. What is the worst trend you see today?
orange skin

RANDOMNESS:

39. Do you do drugs?
No, officer

40. What kind of soap do you use?
right now - Philosophy's "Pink Lemonade"

41.What are you listening to right now?
Journey

42. Who was the last person that called you?
Taawn-yuh

43. Where do you want to get married?
in the Lake House

44. How many buddies are online right now?
I'm actually chatting with Lisa right now

45. What are you looking forward to?
My house feeling like a home again ....and having my own wheels

46. Do you send out holiday cards each year?
hahahahahahahahaha... I still haven't finished sending out thank you cards from my wedding 2 years ago.

47. Hair right now?
long/ wavy/ brown/ hair like

49. When was the last time you got a sunburn?
last summer, from gardening.

51. Things that drive you crazy?
my boss talking about movies - my boss talking in general

52. Do you think you are a good driver?
I am, don't you think I deserve a car?

53. Who did you last text message?
Angie

54. Where are you right now?
at. my. desk.

Saving Veronica Mars (Mars bars for Mars)

2007-06-11T02:03:00.000-06:00

Okay, I realize that I'm totally gay for this show, but - today is the last day to contribute in the "Annoy Dawn Ostroff until she agrees to put Veronica Mars back on the air" campaign. Given the recent success found by fans of "Jericho" (they sent a gozillion lbs. of peanuts to CBS and got that show back on the air) - Veronica fans are bogarting their shtick by sending CW president, Dawn Ostroff a truckload of Mars bars.
So, if you would like to donate to the Mars bar campaign follow the link here. If you love me, you'll do it.

Or you can always send your own Mars bars to her here.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

2007-06-08T13:36:00.001-06:00

The Lesbian Patrol

2007-06-08T00:43:00.000-06:00

So, on our first attempt at "girls night karaoke" we wanted to try this fantastic looking dive-bar called Frankie & Johnnies. It should have been a sign to us that as we were getting out of the car two, toothless hillbillies were exiting the joint. We walked in and it was honestly like in movies when the record scratches and everyone looks up. <<<<>>>>>>>

There was a dog in the bar first of all...and second of all the guy sitting next to the dog said, "What's this? - The LESBIAN PATROL??" Uh. Even though the sign on the door clearly stated, "Karaoke Thursday Nights," the barkeep said, "nope" and we promptly exited much to the dismay of the two women in the bar who proclaimed, "They're females! Don't runnum offt."

We ended up at The Highlander (Yes! Just like Christopher Lambert) and it was awesome.
Angie killed "Vienna," Melissa sang the ever-living shit out of "Hot Blooded" and I brought it home with "Fernando." Tawnya and Agnes abstained tonight, but we will get them next time Gadget....next time.

Round two: Melissa literally made everyone believe in God again when she saing "Steamroller," Angie's rendition of "Downtown" was awesome and I, well I ended the evening with a little number by Justin Timberlake. See 9 seconds of said performance below.

We've decided to make "Lesbian Patrol" t-shirts with little beavers on them to wear to our next karaoke outing.

See Flickr Photos here.

I don't know Jules, but I know Jules Rules!

What-the-fuck-ever: STD Receptacle Released from Prison after 3 days

2007-06-07T11:35:00.000-06:00

I am outraged they've let that filthy, drunk-driving, slapper out of prison, but I can't say I'm surprised.

A supposed and undisclosed "medical condition" is to blame for her early release. Um, excuse me, but since when is utter-human worthlessness a "medical condition?"

She will now serve 40 days house arrest. I no longer believe in the American justice system.

When the world ends

2007-06-05T14:59:00.000-06:00

At work again, watching Big Love illegally on a tiny screen in the corner of my monitor. There's something so wonderful in being sneaky. In smiling at my boss, clicking away - isbn after bloody isbn - all while watching Bill Paxton's naked ass. It's satisfying. I'm pulling one over on you, work - you lame social construct, you.

When the world ends, will I be glad I sat at this desk? Probably not. But, I'll be glad I "stuck it to 'em" while I did.

Out of the darkness and into ...

2007-06-04T18:05:00.001-06:00

I heard from an old (boy)friend - and- I'm not wigged. I'm not even bitter. I'm actually happy to hear from him and interested in what he's up to. Have I sold out?

Sold out or grown up; nostalgia for this former love (and yeah, I think I can call him that) has come to outweigh my need for justice or validation.

I think I've finally healed some of those open, oozing wounds of youth and heartbreak. It only took 14 years, lots of writing, lots of booze and an awesome husband to get there.

Pajiba has most definitely been reading my diary

2007-06-04T17:08:00.001-06:00

Yes, more about Veronica Mars.

Gore Gore Girls!

2007-06-01T11:33:00.000-06:00

Um. The Washington Post totally ripped me off.

Dear Al Gore,

2007-05-31T00:27:00.000-06:00

Will you please be my president?

I am a romantic and as such it is my way to hold onto the past, hope for reversals of fortune and hang onto the idea that all wrongs will be righted in the end. It's sometimes a sad, annoying way to live, I must admit and it's never come in handy in relationships or in my literal heartbreak over the cancellation of beloved t.v. shows, but here - right now, in politics we have a chance.

It's a sappy wish and a fallible one. It's not as if Al Gore could turn the oval office into a time machine and fix everything that's been so radically fucked over the past 6 years. (Though, that would be wicked cool). At the very least though, we would once again have a president who inspired loyalty, confidence and hope. A president who could complete whole sentences and talk for hours about the history of the printing press.

It's late and don't get me wrong, I'm all for Hillary and Obama - I want them to succeed, but my penchant for the dramatic compels me to hope for poetic justice.

Read a excerpt from Al Gore's new book, The Assault on Reason.

Fuck you, job - I've got Ikea

2007-05-29T16:47:00.000-06:00

I honestly spent 6 hours at Ikea on Saturday with my neighbor. I want every bloody thing in that entire store.

Work has been utterly complicated lately and I can't get into it except to say that my department is down 1 and a half people and it's our busiest time of the year, so the situation is prime for "the boss" to have his annual panty-party. It's already begun in some respects. He tells every person who walks by his office how busy he is...how swamped and overwhelmed he is ...as if he's the only one. We've all volunteered to help and have really been working well to pick up the slack, but none of that matters in the face of his "sacrifice." Ugh. Whatever. I'm so sick of this job taking up my valuable mental space. I want to coast. Come in. Do my job. Go home. I honestly envy people who are capable of not getting passionately worked up about EVERY THING that happens around them. I want so desperately not to care.

I really have to do something different with my life; and soon.

But back to the good news: Ikea has come to town just when our house needed it. I love you, Ikea. Really I do.

I think I'm a level 4 Operating EMO

2007-05-22T18:22:00.000-06:00

Hahahahahahahahahahaha... Oh, Utah's local news is the best.

Click here to see my New West story on the same topic.

The weekend was really too short

2007-05-21T14:04:00.001-06:00

The CW officially gives Veronica Mars the middle finger

2007-05-17T15:50:00.000-06:00

Ugggghhhh.... Well, yeah. I'm bummed.
Here's the email I sent to the CW.

You suck!
Why don't you do a Google News search for "Veronica Mars".... Would a show, so wildly unpopular really garner that kind of response from the media?

I don't think so. Thanks for canceling the best show on television, chumps. I guess you need more time for King of Queens reruns, huh?

Well, that's cool. I'll just not be watching your channel or buying any products from your advertisers. Suck on that.

Tracy Medley,
Salt Lake City, Utah

See my previous letter: HERE

NOT being pregnant

2007-05-16T23:54:00.000-06:00

I haven't had my period in over 4 months. I knew it was stupid to hope that might mean something other than the usual - something other than being broken - but, I did. Secretly, I had been walking around for weeks imagining that I might be knocked up. I've been feeling "off." I've been dizzy, clumsy, hormonally crazy, forgetful, sleepy...you name it and over the last couple of weeks, I've felt it.
So, today while waiting for my second bus, I slipped into Walgreens and without any fanfare got a home pregnancy test. I waited several weeks to take this step, because I feared the reality of the outcome. I've enjoyed entertaining thoughts of babies and motherhood. I've enjoyed imagining what a wonderful father Lars will be. I even enjoyed thinking about the complicated financial and job scenarios having a baby would introduce. Anyway - taking a test would crush the whole thing and I knew it. I knew it would, but I had to take it, just to know, just to be sure and also to kind of force myself out of the fantasy before I got REALLY upset about a negative outcome.
I took the test. Waited two minutes, with the little digital display blinking at me. NOT PREGNANT. What a mocking, fucking cruel way to put it. Thanks a fuckin' bunch. I realize now that I will never buy this kind of test again. I could have handled a blue line or a minus sign, but spelled out like that - the thing might as well have read, FUCK YOU.... (blink...blink) Asshole!
Yeah, so I've been in a funky mood ever since. I almost snapped out of it over at Melissa's watching Top Model, but when I got home I immediately started cleaning everything, so I knew I hadn't even reached the worst of it yet.
I've gotten teary a few times, but I'm trying not to cry. I don't know why other than I want to stay positive. I want to put that positive energy into the universe and have it throw a healthy, nerdy-cool baby back at me. Someday, in the near-ish future...and also a car. I think the universe at least owes me a cute, little hatchback for way less than low-book price... oh and a better job. I think that's the least it can do after saddling me with a fucked up, stupid body that can't even make babies right. I want restitution.

"The land of opportunity never seemed so anorexic."

2007-05-16T23:38:00.000-06:00

First of all, the million dollar bra was worth every penny. The boobs are lifted, separated and they look kind of pretty too. Wow. Fayreform! You have won my heart.

Speaking of boobies - Americas Next Top Model ended its 8th cycle tonight and I have to admit, like at the end of every season, I feel just a little empty inside. Jaslene won and while she's kind of funny, I'm left thinking, huh? Really? I know models are supposed to be thin and I'm not a fat-elitist or anything, but that girl is waaaay too skinny.

All of Tyra's yammering and grandstanding about weight and body issues fall flat now that we've heard her go on and on about Jaslene's "great body." The hell? I'm not saying that Jaslene is unhealthy, because I don't know for sure, but she is definitely the skinniest girl I've ever seen on the show and that is saying a lot. Not only that - but, I'm still not convinced of her being "born female." Not that it matters - I mean a tranny Top Model winner would be amazing, but at least be honest about it. I'm rambling now and it really doesn't matter. I'll watch that fucking show no matter what they do because it's funny and lame and never stops contradicting itself. It's genius television and Tyra deserves every penny she gets, because god knows she needs every penny for that wig collection she's got going.

I'm sad for Natasha though - I had become emotionally invested in that crazy, mail order bride. Sigh. When does the next cycle begin?

Melissa has a GREAT post on the same subject: HERE

Has Pajiba been reading my diary?

2007-05-14T13:12:00.000-06:00

Pajiba's 10 Sexiest People - The Celebrities You'd Most Like to Bang

Okay, maybe not "bang" exactly, but I would (barring marital impropriety) completely have a cuddle party with Paul Rudd, Simon Pegg, Christian Bale, Nathan Fillion and Jon Stewart. All at once - all together in a big, purple bed with Prince playing in the background and soft lighting.
Well done, Pajiba.

I also learned from this list that Maggie Gyllenhaal has taken over Katie Holmes' roll in the latest Batman series, which couldn't be better news.

Over the Shoulder Boulder Molder Holder Soldier

2007-05-08T00:05:00.000-06:00

I have officially gone off the deep end. I bought a bra today for an amount of money I'm not really willing to disclose here - but, let's just say I could easily buy 3 crappy bras for the price of one. It's an indulgence I wouldn't normally be proud of...but hey - thems my knockers. I gots to take care of them shits.

Bubble Tea

2007-05-04T01:09:00.000-06:00

I thought Melissa was making it up - but, she totally wasn't. Bubble Tea is yummy and strange and wonderful and creepy all at the same time. It's also oddly obsessing. I'm already craving more. Iced milk tea, tapioca "pearls" and a fat straw. Give it!

Like I told Lars, "It's like your sucking the tea through this fat straw and the yummy balls come right into your mouth." Yeah, I should really think before I speak.

King of Queens is silently killing my soul

2007-05-02T21:31:00.000-06:00

No thanks to Belkin - our home internet is back up and running. We've had that piece of crap router for less than 8 months and it just decided to stop working yesterday. Not that it's ever worked well. We were constantly setting and resetting that mother-effer...and seriously - as Lars put it, it looked and felt like it came right out of a cracker-jack box. I suppose you really get what you pay for when you buy a $30 piece of equipment whose sole purpose is to make "dump-surfing"(1) possible.
Anyway, so $100 and a missed first 15 minutes of Top Model later and we're all up and running again. Thanks Linskeys - don't punk out on me.

I've been fighting off a cold or the worst allergy attack in the world for several days now. This morning I woke up with more goop in my eye than a Seven-Dolla hooker. I won't even get into what my throat feels like. Ugh. So, yes - despite our financial windfall (okay...it's less of a fall and more of a brief crawl out of the ditch sort of thing - but, you catch my drift) I've been in a tremendously shitty mood. I honestly can't explain it. It might have something to do with the two ankle twising/ knee cracking falls I've taken over the past two weeks. (Both highly painful and embarrassing). It could be the afore mentioned cold/allergy thing. It could be that I'm about to enter Pon'far(2).

I don't bloody know, mate. I'm also having some major memory failure again. (Yes, again motherfuckers - don't try me). The most embarrassing and inexplicable example? I can't remember my debit card pin #. I've had it for almost 3 months and have been using it like a champ. Suddenly, this morning I'm at the post office mailing off our whopper credit card payments and I type the numbers in and ... "Invalid Pin"... "Invalid Pin" over and over again. After work I went to Costco for a 30lb. block of cheese and the same thing happened again. I CAN'T remember a 4-digit number that I've known and used seamlessly for 3 months. No idea. It's gone. It's been deleted. Are the spiders deleting shit from my brains while I sleep? I think it's a conspiracy.

1. dumpsurfing: The act of surfing the internet while "dumping" feces into the toilet.
2. pon' far: 1) a condition in the fictional Star Trek universe that induces the desire to mate in an adult Vulcan. The concept debuted in the 1967 episode "Amok Time", written by Theodore Sturgeon.

Although Vulcans live strictly by the dictates of logic, their veneer of civilization is ripped away from them during pon'far, every seven years (for males; an undisclosed interval for females) of their adult life. Once triggered, Vulcans must have sexual contact with someone, preferably their mate, or else face insanity and death. Vulcans are, however, also capable of engaging in sexual relations at any time they wish; it is only during pon'far that they must mate (or die).

2) The human female menstrual cycle.

Done and Done-er

2007-05-01T13:37:00.000-06:00

Our loan is finally complete and and I have six checks ready to mail out to Bank of America, Capital One, Sears, and so on. It feels really strange. I'm actually a bit freaked out. What will I do not being yoked to a bunch of %21 interest rates? How will that be?

It's all such a relief, I can hardly believe it. I keep checking our bank account to just make sure our money is still there? I've got no faith in the system.

Killing Veronica Mars (My Letter to the CW Network)

2007-04-26T12:55:00.000-06:00

I'm sure you've heard this by now - but cancelling Veronica Mars is an enormous mistake. V. Mars is your network's only (pardon my bluntness here) quality, critically acclaimed show with, as I'm sure you've noticed a cult-like following.

Our numbers may be few, but we are a passionate bunch and we need our Veronica.

In addition to Veronica's fantastic writing and acting, the show also fills a more important social void - that is - strong, funny, smart, independent female characters. Veronica and Mac are two of the most unique (and true) female characters on t.v. today.

Veronica Mars, along with Buffy, (early)Gilmore Girls and Battlestar Galactica are the shows I want to share with my daughter some day. We need more shows like these on television. Smart shows that don't just offer "girl power" lip service, but bring real, interesting, powerful female characters to life and give young women an alternative to Paris Hilton and the Pussycat Dolls.

I'm not sure if you even noticed the irony in running the "Search for the Next Pussycat Doll" during V.M.'s regular time slot.

Anyway, as avid fan of the show and a woman I hope you will reconsider cancelling this remarkable and significant show.

I will be reposting this letter on my blog and asking my readers to contact you as well. Thank you for your time.

Tracy Medley
Salt Lake City, Utah

Hooray!!

2007-04-19T16:07:00.000-06:00

We are officially closing on our loan next Tuesday. Fuckin' A.
I can feel the zits clearing up already.

Why do I keep getting ads for "Ben Wah Balls for Women"? ... It's baffling me.

Sweet potato fries

2007-04-18T23:03:00.000-06:00

I am stressed out. We're in the middle end of refinancing our house (it should have been easy, but kind of isn't) and speaking of the house, it's in total upheaval because we recently discovered that we actually have hardwood floors (which is yay), but it means that we're living like college dorm roomies with all of our shit crammed into the back rooms and our bed in the living room. It took one week and Angie, Greg, Melissa and Tawnya to scrape a butt load of paint off of our floors. Yes, some butthole painted the walls and kitchen cabinets without putting down a tarp...on our living room and bedroom floors.
Pulling up carpet is really a process of mystery. Anyway, I'm happy about the floors - it already smells %15 less like a pet store in our house and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and the potential this new discovery brings for our home. For one it means I actually like it again. Me and the house are like "back together," I'm just not ready for tongue kissing or sex yet.
In other news...I can't stop breaking out. My hormones are total bitches. It doesn't help that our loan is in limbo and has been for a little too long to feel completely comfortable, our house is in shambles and no matter what I do, I keep getting fatter. Hooray. I ordered some hippie lotion products from Canada that I'm hoping will help make my skin "not disgusting" again. It hasn't come yet - but, I will provide you with full reviews once I've tried it. I'm using a standby lotion right now and it's turning the greasy parts of my face even greasier and the flaky dry patches are flakier. Thanks fuckers.
Work is also - well, I can't really talk about it, but trust me when I say I've got to get out of that place. The powers that be keep dangling false carrots and acting like they respect me and some of my co-workers and have us in mind for bigger things - but their words and their deeds? They don't be matching. It's so frustrating not knowing how long I should hold out before telling them to eat my dog's shits. Ya know what I'm spraying?
Other than all that - life is pretty good. Ha! No really. I have really great friends (new and old) and I've made a commitment to start walking/exercising every day and I think that's helped my self-esteem a bit. Yeah, also Lars is analyzing (like really seriously) an episode of Prince of Tennis right now and it's really the most darling thing in the universe.

2007-04-13T15:36:00.000-06:00

Um....yes. Too busy....will try to write this weekend, I swear.
In the meantime...watch the first episode of the new Dr. Who series.
Series 1/ Ep. 1 : Rose
The 9th Doctor

Online Videos by Veoh.com

It's dirty - it's random - it's podcast

2007-04-03T00:28:00.000-06:00

I did it. I made a podcast. Basically it's just me and Lars laughing at posts on Craigslist. It's totally dumb, but I plan to actually do some real podcast "projects" in the future. Hopefully, maybe...perhaps.

There's potty mouth talk - so, you've been warned.

Ka-nitting Factory: The Podcast

This Whole Cylon Occupation Thing is Starting to Piss Us Off

2007-04-02T11:25:00.001-06:00

This Whole Cylon Occupation Thing is Starting to Piss Us Off
Originally uploaded by Tubes..

I really need to be a better nerd.

Holy. Frak.

2007-03-25T23:22:00.000-06:00

I'm too tired to get into it, but Battlestar's season finale just blew my mind. Like totally.

Bill O'Reilly Needs to Be Kicked in the Balls

2007-03-21T09:02:00.000-06:00

O'Reilly is such a poogina.

How cute is this?

2007-03-19T23:55:00.001-06:00

Yuck -America's Next Top Gumby

2007-03-18T01:48:00.000-06:00

I have to agree with Melissa here... she looks like she's got a lolipop peg-leg and her waist is the width of my upper arm. Gross.

Also...am I alone in thinking Jaslene needs a "junk check?"

What goes around, bitches

2007-03-12T16:25:00.000-06:00

Aside from Scar-Jo being annoying as shit in everything she's been in since Ghost World - and this video generally being silly as hell... the song is kind of "the shit." I'm not embarrassed to say that I've listened to it about 50 times today. Damn that little J.T. can sing like a motherfucker.

P.S. Tawnya loooooves Shawn Hatosy.
P.S.S. Skits in songs and videos that are not performed by Snoop Dog or Viktor Vaughn are no longer allowed in my universe. Seriously...skits are so lame.

Grrrlfriends

2007-03-11T23:18:00.000-06:00

I had the busiest weekend ever...but, in the best possible way. Friday night -Kelly came over for dinner. Saturday we saw 300 with Tawnya, Ned and Agnes - then went to a game party at my friend Krissy's house. My other friend, Carolyn brought her Nintendo Wii and I can safely say that I both want a Wii and have developed the infamous Wii-arm next-day soreness.
After the party we went to the store to get a few extra "fixins" for the frittata I wanted to make for a brunch this morning at my "bosom friend," Melissa's house. Melissa is wonderful - that's really the only way I know how to put it. I'll get all sappy if I go on too long here, but I will say that after a fair many years actively making sure I never tried to or accidentally made any new, close, female friends - she is 100% worth it. I am friend-smitten.
Her house is inspiring (despite the things that she hates and would kill me for mentioning here) and her family is just beautiful. I am 100% in love with getting to know them. Yay! New friends.

I honestly thought I would never feel that way again. Let's face it - I been burned, baby...I been burned. This isn't to say of course the the friends I've had over the years aren't amazing. I have just been in space for the past few years where I've felt like I had enough...like- oh, I'm so completely taken care of by my small circle of homies, I couldn't possibly need anyone else and in turn don't have anymore to give away. But, I was wrong, I do need more and I can give more as well. It's so sadly rare to find other women you can trust... other women who will lift you up and inspire you to be more, do more, feel better about yourself. I'm so grateful to the universe to have found another sister....or sista.

Anyhoo - after our fantastic brunch (Melissa's husband, Brett made the yummiest french toast I've ever eaten...I seriously almost died in attempting not to embarrass myself by eating ten more peices) we had dinner with Angie and Greg, watched Battlestar Galactica and now I'm trying to make myself go to sleep. Daylight Saving Time...I'm looking at you.

Tomorrow - I give my review of the 300 (A.K.A. Carnival of Metal Face and Man-cans) ...sweet, sweet man-cans.

The Infamous Note from "Alien Head" that my mom photocopied and gave to his parents (click images to enlarge)

2007-03-10T00:41:00.000-07:00

The awesomeness of this note can hardly be expressed. Is he saying he loves Prince there at the end? I'm still not sure and for the record I have no memory of what "K. K-ing" is supposed to mean.
My mom found this note in my backpack, photocopied it, called his parents and our Bishop to come over so they could all read it allowed. She should have called his English teacher while she was at it.

Just in case you didn't believe me when I said I've loved Kiefer Sutherland for 20 years

2007-03-10T00:34:00.000-07:00

Of course I spelled his name wrong - which is either cute or further evidence that children should never learn to spell phonetically. (click image to enlarge)

Because scanners are fun - Diary 1988

2007-03-10T00:22:00.000-07:00

Oh! Merry Christmas...and I'd like to ask God to help me with my Math again. (Click the image to enlarge)

Because scanners are fun - Diary 1987

2007-03-10T00:15:00.000-07:00

So, now we know that in spite of being a self-righteous, little homophobe - I totally knew the true meaning of friendship. What a tight-ass. (click image to enlarge).

Tawnya is still in Illinois with Jimi and Karin

2007-03-06T22:21:00.001-07:00

Tawnya
Originally uploaded by karin jones.

Apparently sharpening her game - in case of a wide-scale Dalek attack. Speaking of Daleks, I'm watching "Elizabeth" on the "Women's Entertainment" network right now and have to say that Chris Eccleston is really cute, even when he's evil and be-skirted.
Joseph Feinnes looks like he stinks.

A Fair Wind and a Fresh Start CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR BSG 317

2007-03-06T13:51:00.000-07:00

Is Kara Thrace really dead? LAME. Is Kara Thrace one of the final five cylons? LAME. Will Kara evolve into some type of mega-being/ angel to guide the colonists to earth? Now, that's more like it. That would be an actual destiny as opposed to the cop-out of facing the abyss and decided to dive inside.

It's hard to imagine the show without Starbuck; one of the strongest, most interesting female television characters ever created. So, it would be a powerful move to show a woman, with all her faults transform into something/ someone better - something transcendent. Like Buffy - like Rose Tyler absorbing time vortex - Starbuck as goddess is wonderfully compelling.

There is precedent for this type of character in the mythology of both the old and new series: In the old series, there were "seraphs;" angelic, non-corporial alien beings that came to Galactica's aid...and claimed, "As you now are, we once were; as we now are you may yet become." They travel in a ship known as the Ship of Lights, which has the ability to show up wherever and whenever it's needed. (Like in the middle of a gas cloud right before your viper explodes??)

In the new series we have Baltar's "ChipSix" who has directed Baltar's destiny from the beginning and in turn Caprica Six has her own "imaginary Baltar." Kara herself was guided to her fate by the manifestation of Leoben.

In the episode, the oracle gives Kara the little angel and when Kara gives it to Adama later, it is to put at the front of his ship...she says, "she brings a fair wind and a fresh start." The idea of the angel, guiding Adama's ship cannot have simply been throw away imagery, in my opinion.

It may be too much to ask for - maybe she's really just dead, but as significant as her loss might be - her return as something unexpected would be so much better.

My Job Future

2007-03-06T12:50:00.001-07:00

Watching Pretty Rich Girls Get Awesome Jobs for No Reason

2007-03-02T09:55:00.000-07:00

You guys... why can't I stop watching The Hills? Seriously - I am addicted to this fucking show and it's embarrassing me. Really. Like I never watched the 1st season so I desperately searched the internet and finally found it and am devouring it like mental pizza.

Oh and before I forget to mention this - that Spencer Pratt guy (Steve Sanders to Brody Jenner's Brandon Walsh) is fucking American Psycho-esque. Like, when they find the bodies stuffed in his closet I will not be surprised, that's all I'm saying. I don't understand how this smarmy and also UGtastic butthole has managed to weasel his way into these girls' lives. Ladies you can do better. I mean, read what these dudes had to say in Details magazine. They've basically devised a plan to make themselves "famous" and they're too dumb or too gross to realize they should keep it to themselves. What's stranger and what completely confirms my feelings about the Spencer guy is that he's trying to make Brody famous - like he's "marketing" his "friend." I think it's more likely that he wants to market Brody's cock into his mouth - but that's just a guess.

America's Next Top Models Who Must have Experienced Some Type of Head Trauma as a Child

2007-03-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

Wow.

ANTM

2007-02-28T17:02:00.000-07:00

20 minutes into the premiere of Top Model and it's already pure gold. Crack hookers and mail-order brides - this might just be the best season ever.

Happy Birthday to the EJO

2007-02-24T01:41:00.000-07:00

Vlogs and Jesus Camp Scare the Shit out of Me

2007-02-24T00:42:00.000-07:00

Vlogs are the most baffling phenomenon I've ever encountered. Realizing that I'm one to talk - I blab here about my innermost occasionally, but I rarely do it naked...and when I am naked, I don't tell you and I certainly don't show you. Hellllooo. I'm getting ahead of myself because it isn't even the confessional nature of the vlog that wigs me - it's how various vloggers vlog about something and then other vloggers make "response vlogs" where they talk to the previous vlogger about their vlog. Vlog...vlog...vlog. It's like they have this strangely drawn out conversation, but don't want to be bothered with the hassle of interruption - so they produce these incredible oratories and/or hilarious ramblings and pass them back and forth like junior high M.A.S.H. notes. I'm scared of it, saddened by it - but also really fascinated.

If anyone really wants to know what I'm talking about do a search for "David Lynch Coffee" on Youtube. Her riff about Tori Amos tampons is pure gold.

MacBook: Cracked no more

2007-02-23T17:55:00.000-07:00

Yay! The baby is back home. She has an entirely new keyboard - "top case" thingie. It's totally different feeling, like it's smoother, but has a more matte feel, especially the trackpad, which is cool because the earlier trackpad was sort of slick to the touch and it absorbed dirt really easily. The entire top case is actually thicker and sits a bit higher and is rounded off on the edges so I no longer get stabbed when I'm not being a perfect-posture typer, which is definitely a rad and unexpected perk or upgrade or whatever. The old one sat more flush and therefore more stabby.
My only real complaint is the much less clicky keyboard - as I've said before, I am a total fan of the almost obnoxious click in my the old keyboard's step, and while this one's buttons are just as resistant and bouncy, they make a much less pleasing clickity-clack, hardly a price concidering that this palm rest won't absorb my wrist goo and stain or crack off. It actually feels sturdier...and is, I'm quite positive, a bit heavier than it was before.

So, so-long clicky-clacky, I will miss you....but, I'm so glad to have my baby back... it was like I lost a limb.

SadMac-Sack

2007-02-21T21:49:00.000-07:00

So, my beloved MacBook is having a one possibly THREE night stay with the fucking "geniuses" at the Apple store. Can I this one thing? I love my Mac - love it, but the Apple store is like the fourth circle of hell. The hell imagery is both metaphorical and literal, like does it have to be so fucking hot in there??
There seems to be some sort of defect with the top casing around the keyboard. At first tons of people, myself included were having problems with the plastic staining on the wrist-rest area... NOW...after only six months a the edge on the right palm rest is cracking. I was unable to take an effective picture for myself, but you can see what I'm talking about here.
Mine didn't completely crack off, but was definitely on its way. I figured I would have a better chance of getting free repair/replacement if I took it in before it actually broke off and I had to listen to some "genius" tell me how I must have dropped it or some shite.
So, looong story short, they are fixing the stupid thing- for free, but because they are evil, took my computer from me for possibly days. I feel totally naked. I keep thinking, I'll just go grab my computer - but uhhh. It no there. I walked away from the Apple store in total shock and denial, holding my very light computer bag on my shoulder. I didn't realize just how attached I had gotten to that damn hunk of cute.
Sigh. Now, I know they won't pet her and tell her she's a pretty girl before she goes to bed tonight - but they better not hurt her is all I'm spraying. UGH.

Why marriage is fun...

2007-02-20T00:35:00.000-07:00

Lars just rolled over, completely asleep, put his hand on my tittay and said, "For the record - I want to see more of these in the president's office room" before promptly rolling over onto his other side.

Awesome.

I just got teary watching this clip on YouTube - proof positive that I have some major PMS, but like the 10th Dr. is totally picking out his outfit!

2007-02-19T03:41:00.000-07:00

Torchwood wants to borrow your top

2007-02-19T03:40:00.000-07:00

Sudden-Asshole Syndrome

2007-02-19T01:53:00.001-07:00

After much admonishment from friends and family I am actually “writing” a blog. Whoopty-doo. I’ve been coming down with some sort of bizarre cold that makes me feel like shite one second and completely fine the next so I never know from moment to moment how I’m going to feel. I can feel the mucous man in his wife-beater setting up shop in my lungs and thanks to that vile Mucinex commercial I have that very vivid imagery in brain.

In addition to being slightly ill I’ve also been “slightly” depressed. I’m starting to wonder if getting off of birth control was really the best idea. I’ve been fairly moody of late, to say nothing of my laziness, fatness or general all around mannishness. I’m seriously checking my face every day for any trace signs of appearing masculinity. Hormone imbalances are real y’all and I don’t want to take any chances. The other day I was certain that my shoulders were beginning to look positively line-backer-ish….and the mustache – well, I don’t want to talk about it. Mustache, weight-gain, zits and depression aside I feel I’m doing pretty fucking awesome.

My depression could also be chalked up to the shooting last week at Salt Lake’s Trolley Square mall. Trolley is mere blocks away from my home and I have spent many hours inside and out. I have a’ gazillion brilliant memories in that place and I’m struggling with the idea that something so horrific took place there. I would like to respectfully move on but having to write about it for New West is definitely taking its toll. I haven’t written anything in depth at all yet because the simple robo-tron-AP-wire-type things I have posted have already drawn a disturbing and hideous crowd. If you wonder at all if racism and religious bigotry still exist, just take a gander at the comment section of any stories about this shooting. Some of the rhetoric spewed within has made me literally sick to my stomach. Some want to know why the media isn’t reporting that Sulejman Talovic (the killer) was Muslim – which, okay if it weren't reported, how would they know it in the first place? They claim that the mainstream=liberal media dropped the story after his religion was revealed. I would argue that the mainstream media dropped the story because Talovic has not, as of yet been named as another potential father of Anna-Nicole’s baby. Others want to know why we won’t just call the shooting either a case of “Sudden-Jihad Syndrome” or Islamo-terrorism. Could be the lack of proof of such motivations, but I’m just guessing. They want to know why I won’t just acknowledge that we are “at war with Muslims.” One guy even – and I shit not- asked me if I had forgotten 9/11. The fuck? Look, if anything - the kid suffered from a case of Sudden-Asshole Syndrome - which is a real syndrome because I have a blog and I say so. At any rate, I’m tired of thinking about it and/or feeling like I have to answer to the questions of non-Utahn political fuckwads when I’m still trying to get the images of my dead neighbors out of my head.

Wow – that actually made me feel better. See, I can’t call them fuckwads over on New West I have to play nice and pretend their opinions aren’t disgusting. See, I should blog more on my own blog.

One last thing, because now that you’ve got me going and it’s 1:50 in the morning…I recently found this awesome piece by the late-great Molly Ivins. It’s her take on Camille Paglia’s Sexual Personae and it fucking rules. I want to be her when I grow up or at least I'd like to have her ghost sit on my shoulder like a guardian angel…like a muse and give me the strength and the balls to say what I’d really like to say all of the time.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

2007-02-16T11:40:00.000-07:00

I know I've been a bad-bad blogger - I hope to make penance

2007-02-16T11:35:00.000-07:00

I don't know what the hell Sunset Heat is....

2007-02-02T10:51:00.000-07:00

But, they're kidding with Skelator arms on the left, right? Sunset Heat....the scent of starvation.

Hey, kid...did you know that TRICKY was a marine???

2007-01-31T13:03:00.000-07:00

Don't you want to use your News and Media skills in the U.S. Navy???

Nice try, fuckers. I saw Private Benjamin!!

LoveSlug

2007-01-30T14:36:00.000-07:00

I want to compose a list, if only to show that I actually do indeed still exist. I haven't been able to blog. I would say it's because I have no time, but that wouldn't exactly be true. I've made time for nothing besides the minimal 40-yard stare into my computer screen at work and the manic shuffling of papers for the occasions when my boss happens by. It's sad really, but I just haven't felt very energetic about life lately. Not that I've felt badly, I haven't. I just feel lazy, unmotivated and all around lame. I would like to blame the toxic inversion poison I (and all Salt Lakers) have been breathing for more than a week now. It's poisoning my will to live.
Here is the list, okay... it's of things I want to do in 2007
1. Write a book. HA.
2. Get a new job that pays me what I'm worth
3. Fix the floors in my house and paint all the rooms
4. Walk more/ Exercise more
5. Try to think nicer thoughts about people
6. Move back toward completely cruelty free consumerism
7. Eat less meat
8. Do more drawing, writing, knitting...Be more creative in general
9. Buy or make all Christmas presents for next year by September '07
10. Roller Skate more

So on that note, I've started formulating the idea for "my book." Typing the words, "my book" almost made me puke...so bare with me, since I can't handle my own pretentiousness. It is about a girl who tortures, kills and mutilates men (and a few women) and blogs about it. Her blog becomes an instant sensation...of course. It's a satire...a response actually to Bret Easton Ellis' novel, American Psycho; which is a great book, but one that made me and most of the women I know who have read it completely uncomfortable. Ellis uses the landscape of women's dissected bodies as metaphor and while that's brilliant, it's also violating. I want to use the trope of the violation of male bodies in much the same way...to illuminate a different allegory. Big Word Nerd alert!!!

We'll see. If I make it past the 10 page mark, I'll let you know.

It's only a show

2007-01-17T15:06:00.000-07:00

I very rarely find cause to criticise Keith Olbermann, but last night...his story about 24 being some tool of right-wing propaganda made me wonder if KO hasn't been drinking some of O'Reilly's alarmist juice. (That was much grosser than I meant) 24 is a television show...yes, it airs on the FOX network, yes, it's about terrorism and torture and all of that... but, it's soooo stupid. It's stupidity makes it awesome. It's ludicrous situations and outcomes make popcorn for the brain. The world is saved over and over again by one man...one Keifer Sutherland shaped man. Can Keith really be taking this show seriously?

Look if idiots like Rush Limbaugh and other right-wing crones want to glom onto the show and use it as a scare tactic against America's mentally challenged... fine...but, don't act like the rest of us are somehow being brainwashed into thinking that bombs could go off at any minute and stabbing a knife through some dude's knee is the only way to stop it. It's a fantasy. It's entertainment.

I don't think vampires are real just because I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I'm not looking into space waiting for a cylon base ship to appear just because I watch Battlestar Galactica, I'm not expecting the T.A.R.D.I.S. to land at any moment with the Doctor in tow to save the earth from an attack by Daleks and I don't think that Jack Bauer is going to punch a "nucular" bomb to death. Why? Because I'm not a fucking rube. 24 is Sci Fi without the Sci...it's as unrealistic as a show can get. If politicians are really trying to use this ludicrous television show to justify their wars and their own scare tactics...then America's less brain-impaired should think about not voting for those guys again.

And that from a fucking LibNut.

$13.56 in change "Nickeled, Dimed and Pennied in America"

2007-01-12T23:45:00.000-07:00

Jesus. On some level I'm grateful that we were able to sell enough cds and find enough loose change to actually pay all of our bills and mortgage for the month...on the other hand.... okay, I'm still grateful, but would it have killed one of those white-belt wearing haircuts at the CD store to give us another 20 bucks?
I'm just saying.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck Part 10

2007-01-11T08:30:00.000-07:00

I would really prefer not going into details, but lets jut say that last night I suffered a self-esteem blow akin to a pat on the head and a reassuring "Oh you poor dear" speech. I applied for a job - a job that I really wanted...that seemed the perfect fit and opportunity to get out of the hell-hole job I have and into something "career" like. When I saw the advert for it online my stomach started fluttering. THIS IS IT, I thought. I carefully crafted a cover letter, gathered some of my best writing samples and gave my resume one last polish before sending it all off in a dizzy email.

The savage job hunt, that strikes yours truly at least once or twice a month was spurned by two things:
1. I was ambushed by a boss of a boss about possibly being interested in another position at the library. I just stood there, mouth open and defensive, "uh...uh..well...uh." To which, the boss responded, "Oh, it's okay, I can understand if you want to 'better yourself.'"
"BETTER" myself? Okay, it's one thing to be stuck in a dead end job with crappy pay, but it's quite entirely another for someone to act like that's just the kind of job you deserve.
2. My college loan payment went up again, unannounced; removing 200 extra dollars from the Medley bank account without warning...leaving said Medleys 50, make that 70 bucks in the hole. There's nothing quite like hating your full time job AND on top of it still having to worry about paying the bills. (And to that end...no pressure...but, I've added the Make a Donation! Button back to my sidebar).

So, it was in that frame of mind that I found, what I thought would be...the perfect job. It couldn't possibly be a coincidence that I found this job...available on this day of all days. Could it?

At 9pm I checked my email and found this:

Hi, Tracy,

Thank you for your interest in working at *** *******.

You have some interesting experience. Unfortunately, not much of it
is in *****.

We are looking for someone with significant experience as a ******
******* for a ***** *********. Therefore, I must reject your
application.

Interesting experience? Under normal circumstances I would take that as a compliment, but in this case it was humiliating, horrid and hateful. Goddamn my interesting life. Fuck it. Fuck it in the ass! At 32 "interesting" means "sorry kid, maybe you shouldn't have changed your major three times. But, don't worry...we'll find some talentless little butt-kisser with all the right credentials to do this job."

It would have been better had he not responded at all. At least then I could have pretended that my application just got buried in some pile of Harvard grads.

*Update: In the end I realized that I don't even want that stupid job. I just want some job, any job to:
1. Pay me what I'm worth.
2. Respect me.
3. In some way utilize my talent. (I know, there are so many to choose from)
4. Give me weekends and holidays off.
5. Have decent insurance.
6. Be interesting...just like me.

Hairy

2007-01-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

So, in settling into my new haircut...I've decided that I hate it. It's not that it's so bad, but my hair really needs a lot of layering and whatnot in order to not look like a frizzy poo-wig and now officially...after washing it with shampoo that regular humans can afford...it's officially stupid. It's officially a poo-wig.
Also, the bangs. I'm not sure how bangs can be both too short and too long, but mine have managed it and there are also too many of them hanging in a thick, lifeless chunk at the front of my head. This haircut makes me feel fatter and somehow less stylish. Like when you're chubby aunt comes home fromt he salon with a new short perm.
Maybe it's just me. Perhaps I'm starting my period.

Cunts are still Running the World

2007-01-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

Running The World

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Happy Birthday to Tawnya Kittain!

2007-01-05T00:32:00.000-07:00

Tawnya has been my best friend for...uh, 13 years now and tomorrow is her 32nd birthday. So, far, besides the saggier tits and eye-wrinkles, I've really liked being 32 and I hope she does too. The first night I can remember hanging out with Tawnya was the summer she graduated highschool, 1993. She came over with some mutual friend or something, I honestly don't remember. We were listening to the Beatles and I was having one of those purge-moments, where I spent the entire evening doling out my superfluous possessions. Tawnya was a bright spark in a bad time (friend-wise) in my life. I don't know if all women go through this, but I had just discovered that all in my circle of friends were evil, backstabbing hookers who couldn't stop talking behind each other's backs. One day it hit me: Hey, I bet these dirty hookers are talking about me behind my back. Damn. It was a liberating moment because it freed me from three lousy friendships with just about the biggest assholes that ever lived ...and opened the door to a new kind of friendship and though it's cheesy, I'm going to say it; sisterhood.
Tawnya is the first friend I've ever had that felt like family...like a real sister. We argue and we piss each other off, but at the end of the day I know that she will tell me the truth and I can tell her the truth...and we can still make each other laugh a lot.
She's one of the more special people on the planet and I don't mean that she's retarded. What I mean to say is she's just about the kindest person I've ever known. She really tries to find a way to understand everyone she knows. She cuts people slack even when they don't deserve it and from my perspective of like, really hating to cut slack....I'm envious. It's a real gift to love almost everyone unconditionally...but, that's who she is. She's also a terrible driver, but that's for another post.
This is this, Tawnya. This ain't something else. This is this.

The Ka-nitting Factory

THE KA-NITTING FACTORY HAS MOVED

Okay...and now some more Kristin Hersh

I look so much like my mother

The most profound post ever written

Add a Ka-nitting Factory!! button to your blog or MySpace

"in space, Bret....in space."

、Oliver Twist 性交しなさい!!!!!!

Dear Masthead,

Is it weird that I saw Ace Frehley from Kiss??

Flight of the Conchords

Mirah Mirah on the wall

Rosie O'Donnell kinda scares the shit out of me

So many Myspace Surveys, so little time

The more I see Bill Paxton's ass - the more I kinda of love it

Myspace survey 2007 "so far"

Netflix

I know the secret of the Deathly Hallows and I'm not telling.

New Job - day two

I know it's wrong to care.....but, I really, really do.

And don't I know it?

Dear You (You Know who you are),

America's Boyfriend Keith Olbermann and His latest Special Comment- Smackdown

I feel SickO to my stomach

Help Me Bring the Buffy Musical Sing-a-long to Salt Lake

As an adult, I love some TV shows like people

And when I was a teenager....

Why TV used to be fuckin' sweet (Some of my favorite childhood tv shows & their themes)

Is it just me?

The Holy Covenant of Hotness

Who loves you? My mommy taught me to share

Help me name my car

PSY WGN

I made you a Magnetic Fields Mix because I love you

Another Myspace Survey

I can't talk about it.

Car Shopping is hard

Beth Ditto couldn't be cooler

Myspace Survey

Saving Veronica Mars (Mars bars for Mars)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

The Lesbian Patrol

What-the-fuck-ever: STD Receptacle Released from Prison after 3 days

When the world ends

Out of the darkness and into ...

Pajiba has most definitely been reading my diary

Gore Gore Girls!

Dear Al Gore,

Fuck you, job - I've got Ikea

I think I'm a level 4 Operating EMO

The weekend was really too short

The CW officially gives Veronica Mars the middle finger

NOT being pregnant

"The land of opportunity never seemed so anorexic."

Has Pajiba been reading my diary?

Over the Shoulder Boulder Molder Holder Soldier

Bubble Tea

King of Queens is silently killing my soul

Done and Done-er

Killing Veronica Mars (My Letter to the CW Network)

Hooray!!

Sweet potato fries

It's dirty - it's random - it's podcast

This Whole Cylon Occupation Thing is Starting to Piss Us Off

Holy. Frak.

Bill O'Reilly Needs to Be Kicked in the Balls

How cute is this?

Yuck -America's Next Top Gumby

What goes around, bitches

Grrrlfriends

The Infamous Note from "Alien Head" that my mom photocopied and gave to his parents (click images to enlarge)

Just in case you didn't believe me when I said I've loved Kiefer Sutherland for 20 years

Because scanners are fun - Diary 1988

Because scanners are fun - Diary 1987

Tawnya is still in Illinois with Jimi and Karin

A Fair Wind and a Fresh Start **CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR BSG 317**

My Job Future

Watching Pretty Rich Girls Get Awesome Jobs for No Reason

America's Next Top Models Who Must have Experienced Some Type of Head Trauma as a Child

ANTM

A Fair Wind and a Fresh Start CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR BSG 317